


I Love You But I'm Lost

by Reylogates



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, F/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Ben Solo, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Throne Room Scene, The Force Ships It, dusting off the google docs and finally posting fic I've written ages ago, this was supposed to be a multi chapter thing I abandoned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-15 07:50:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21249938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reylogates/pseuds/Reylogates
Summary: The energy aches between them; like two magnets urging to be pulled together. It feels like an inevitable union.





	I Love You But I'm Lost

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all. This is another fic I had sitting in my google docs. The idea being "how can Rey neither accept nor reject Ben's offer in the throne room?" Idk where I was going with it though. I did write a few other chapters for this but idk if I'll post them yet lol. Thanks for reading :) 
> 
> [The title comes from this song btw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8RxlpQTgqO4)

“You’re nothing. But not to me. Join me."  
He steps forward and flexes his outstretched hand. _"Please."_

Ben hates begging. Throughout his life, he begged and it changed nothing.

While training to be a Jedi under his uncle, he begged his parents in letters to come back for him. Occasionally, they wrote vague replies along the lines of “Give it a chance” and his favorite “This is what’s best. Try seeing it through.” And he tried. He tried to make friends with the other kids at the academy but he always was the odd one out. _Please, don’t judge me. Please be my friend_. He tried and tried until the night that changed everything; waking up to his uncle hovering over his bed with his lightsaber drawn. This time he begged with his eyes. _Please don’t kill me._

After fleeing the academy, he begged under Snoke’s rule. He begged the dark side master to stop when training became too intense. But he would not relent. He told him not to complain. “Real men endure pain and suffering. It makes them stronger.” For years, Ben would endure whatever Snoke threw at him thinking it would. This came in the form of force lightning and words that cut too deep. But he only felt weaker, emptier after every attempt. He accumulated scars, both emotional and external, that showed the opposite of what Snoke promised.

Despite his failed attempts in the past, he couldn't help but beg for Rey to join him. He tried to tell himself it’s because of her powers but he knows it’s more than that. He'd love to teach her the ways of the force but they were being pulled together for more than just the sharing of skills. He believes the force brought them together because it‘s their _fate._ Together, they’d destroy the old ways that failed them and build something new.

He's seen past her heroic facade and into the sad lonely soul she keeps hidden from others. The first time being on Starkiller, when he reached into her mind. He saw she was abandoned and left to fend for herself all those years on Jakku. She was just a scavenger. Yet, there was something about her that captivated him. He knew there had to be more to her. She proved this when she pushed right back into his own mind; even calling him out on his greatest fear.

_You're so lonely. So afraid to leave. At night, desperate to sleep.  
You..You're afraid. That you'll never be as strong as Darth Vader!_

The second time, through their bond, he again saw past what she's shown anyone else. Despite being with the Resistance, she still felt lonely. She still longed for belonging and purpose. She looked for answers during her time with his uncle but came up empty. What she didn't realize is that she didn't belong with any of them.

_I've never felt so alone._  
You're not alone.  
Neither are you. 

He resonated with her pain and fears as if they were reflections of his own. He also wanted to belong for as long as he could remember. And to be good enough. Only through their bond, did she openly resonate with his.

_You'll turn. I'll help you._

She came to the Supremacy to save him. She told him she saw his future when they touched hands. Without getting into specifics, she told him she felt his conflict and saw the good in him. Though he felt it was too late, he couldn't help but be touched by her reckless attempt. She was the first person to listen to his side of things. The first person in a long time who tried to understand him.

She almost made him believe he could be saved. That there was something to him beneath the mask and scars. That maybe he could even live happily one day.

Now, she was physically here before him and he couldn’t let her slip through his fingers.

She was gazing at him with her wide hazel eyes, searchingly. Tears were streaming down her pink cheeks. Oh, how he hated seeing her cry. But he reminded himself her tears were necessary. They were a cleansing of her past. An essential part of the process of accepting his words. Accepting his offer. And finally accepting _him._

She slowly reaches out her hand. She’s physically hurt and mentally worn out. They both are. He senses her hesitation and moves a step closer. She is so close. So close to killing her past and accepting their future. She is yearning for belonging and acceptance and he’d give her that. Yet, she is still so unsure. The energy aches between them; like two magnets urging to be pulled together. It feels like an inevitable union.

Then, she collapses.

“Rey!” He gasps.

He quickly sweeps her up in his arms, bringing him to his knees. She hadn’t accepted or denied his offer. But he didn’t worry about that now. He’s only worried about her. He ignores his body's own exhaustion and throbbing pain. He’s felt worse torment under Snoke. But the raw fighting energy in Rey’s body had been spent. Sadistic Snoke probed her mind relentlessly, leaving her screaming in agony from the intrusion. That’s why Ben went as slowly as he could on Starkiller. He never wanted to hurt her. 

At that moment, seeing her in so much pain, made his blood boil. He had wanted to kill Snoke right then and there. But he knew he had to wait for the right moment. Now Snoke was nothing more than a memory. Nothing but decay. On top of that, they fought his guards off together. 

_You’ll stand with me._

He relishes the feel of her in his arms once again. He thinks back to Takodana. She fascinated him with something he couldn’t quite comprehend. Something within compelled him to take her and he convinced himself it was because of the map.

_Forget the droid. We have what we need._

He looks down. Her skin glistens slick with sweat. Her chest rises and falls with ease. He scans her for injuries. Nothing major. She just has a cut on her upper arm and a red bruise on one of her temples. He lifts her slightly to better admire her. Her soft-looking brown hair, out of its usual three buns, hangs long. It's not something he's seen before but he's imagined it many times. He scans her face. She looks peaceful. Her features are scattered with freckles like tiny stars. Her cheeks are stained with tears and specks of ash. He reaches a trembling hand up and wipes them softly. He wishes his hands weren't gloved so he could feel her skin. Her lips look soft and inviting. A warmth flows through him. But she would probably never think about him in such a way. 

With a deep breath, he draws himself out of this trance. He takes a moment to notice the embers and sparks that fly around them. The room smells of death and smoke. Yet, there's a beauty in the destruction.

When Rey is in better shape, she can leave him. Maybe she would run right back to her band of Resistance friends. But they won't ever understand her like he does. No one will. He’d let her leave if she decides to. At least for now he can pretend she'd stay. Maybe he can still convince her they belong together when she wakes.


End file.
